after reading the short ted leo essay on his current career decisions and how he's done it in the spirit of punk rock it got me thinking, how did i get here? i've spent a majority of my school/into adulthood life being into punk rock and maybe being something a little different than my peers. i grew up in a suburban town, i play sports, i did well in school, how could something that is supposed to be shocking and against the grain with virtually everything apply to me?

i remember when it all started. i was in elementary school and use to listen to the oldies station with my mom, rock station with my dad and my grandma use to sing to me in italian. i'll always admit 70's pop songs as well as 60's garage rock will always have a place in my heart. same goes for the songs grandma sang to me. however the rock station that at the time (90's remember) played nirvana, green day, and the rest of the whole grunge explosion all the time. i just know i'd be sitting in my dads volkswagon with the sunroof open driving to hockey practice staring out of it with the opening riff to "come as you are" playing. the more i heard the song the more interested i became, and eventually after years of convincing my mom to buy me cassette tapes i got a a portable cd player as a "graduation gift" for finishing elementary school and going to on middle school. thats when everything changed.

middle school started and i began hearing words and things i've heard of before or really understood. changing classes meant seeing tons of new people all the time. now while i was by no means popular in middle school but i began to make friends some i still have to this day. even if my weekends consisted of me sitting at home playing video games in my parents' room with my moms clock radio on the pop station. the only good thing about pop radio is that you sort of hear all generes of music. but again i was drawn the rock music over everything. and once again it was green day. green day was my go to band in the sense if someone brought up music to me it would make sound cool. i mean i didn't even know what punk rock was or care. one day i brought them up to a friend who i had nearly every class with that year. one day in study hall he told me to listen to this cd his brother was letting him borrow. so long and thanks for all the shoes by NOFX was the album. the songs were just like green day to me fast, fun, and catchy. again i really had no idea it was punk rock. as my first year of middle school progressed i began to listen to more and more of the epitaph roster which in turn really started to mold me not only musically but as a person.

i spent the next few years buying any cd with the epitaph logo on it, all the punk-o-rama samplers and even bands like blink-182 getting huge were in my listening world. i'd sit in the couch for hours with my headphones on just flipping though cds putting songs on and changing them right after so i had like my own radio... but all the songs were the ones i wanted to hear. still on the outside i was still a hockey player, pretty normal kid. once middle school ended and high school was looming i found myself nearly out of place within my sports playing friends. none of them cared about the new descendants cd i got. eventually i decided to stop playing sports in a organized way. i wanted to be with my friends who now were into skateboarding (as was i) and just doing creative things. i felt more open to liking this punk music i felt so highly about.

as high school progressed i began branching off of my epitaph roots into other punk rock bands. just to be obscure with my music is more what i was after. i always felt like i was more punk rock that some of the kids who just hung out with the punk rock kids because i had friends who were into other things. i was the token kid with a big poofy overgrown afro and nofx t-shirt on at the pickup football game. once the whole emo explosion happend all these bands i was getting into were being labeled that. it confused me. i didn't really get it. saves the day is emo? midtown is emo? at the drive in is emo? i just didnt get it. to me it was still punk rock. during my junior year my fascination with at the drive in hit its peak. the afros, tight pants, random t-shirts it all began to mean something to me, something i decided to emulate.

little did i realize that not wearing eyeliner, not straightening my hair, not being totally cliche to that emo movement really is what started to make me who i am today. i always knew and felt i was more punk than those kids. i knew those bands before you cared. i went to those shows before it was the thing to do on the weekends. i didnt have to look the part to be the part. i knew what i liked and i knew what was real in these generes. i learned that not caring is really what makes you punk.

i never attached myself to a local scene because once again i was more into having friends that i liked, not kids who just liked what i did. dont get me wrong, i had scenester friends, i was pretty much a ska scenester in high school while everyone was busy being emo. once highschool ended i was kinda known as being punk rock to the people who actually knew what it was. it was a label i really wanted to shed because at that point like any other 18 year old i was confused of the world. i started to get big into indie rock for what it was. slow sad songs was all i could muster to listen to. i felt like i had to grow up from punk rock and what it was. sure i'd still attend the shows but i started to feel like i didnt belong. as my first year of college progressed i had pretty much abandon who i was as a punk rocker. i wanted to be ben gibbard or something. after while i began to get bored with the whole indie cute-sie scene. dont get me wrong i love tons of bands that are considered indie rock and ill always like them but this is just about my relationship with punk... alright? anyways as my musical taste had expanded into other territories i began to realize punk rock was my calling, it had been there nearly my whole life in ways i'd notice or just not notice.

as i'm now in my 20's i realize that punk rock in one form or another has been a huge part of my life, thinking, who i am. i wouldnt change it for anything. its me. its been me. and sure i've never wore a spiked leather jacket but i totally can appreciate that guy. i own more records and cds than i know what do with. i own more band shirts of bands no one will care about other than me to cloth myself for a months. i go to shows as much as possible. i live in record stores i moved to a city pretty much to do that. if my children someday wonder why i got a room in our house that is all music then they too will be introduced into punk rock. maybe it'll be in the car, maybe i'll be them looking though my stuff. but they will for sure know about it. its funny because it wasnt until this summer that i put all of this together and someone told me whos known me for a long time "you are punk as fuck" the greatest complement a guy could ask for.