at the end of my rope
i have NEVER in my life been so frustrated beforenothing works right (i.e. computer)
i hate school; more i want to change major. some kinda outer space science, not like an star gazer astronomer but more in depth with the universe. all i do is watch tv/internet shows on national geographic about it i'm beyond fascinated with outer space.
as each day passes i feel like film/art is not for me anymore. i know i got the talent but it's just a lack of motivation. nothing out there is making me want to push myself, nothing is wowing me. and it just makes me feel like whats the point. same goes for music. i've bought A LOT of albums over the years but how many at the end of the day can i say i really like (i mean still listen to, to this day like i did when i first got it) 4?-5? tops. the last time i heard something that was going to change my life was in 2004 when 'forget what you know' came out.
and guess what. it was a failure to the band which lead to them breaking up.
it makes me think whats the point to anything if thats the case. if someone can make a masterpiece that no one gets then what the point in the first place? self dignity can only go so far.
i feel like i have no identity anymore. i'm stressed out 24/7.
i worry about the present/future constantly. (where am i going to finally settle on for school, does love really exist outside of sex, where is life really taking me, will be alone forever, do i really have friends anymore or do i just force myself to hang out with the people i always have, does anything really matter in the first place)
i dream about my death and ex girlfriends almost every night. i wake up thinking a bridge i burned with someone is mended to wake up and realize nothing changed, or i wake up thinking i just fell off a bridge into a cold body of water, waking up seconds before impact)
who am i? i feel like i have no idea anymore. i feel like the past few years have been a continuous black hole that never ends.
i'm not saying my life sucks; it don't at all for the most part i'm blessed to have parents who have given me the best life possible
but somethings got to change very soon. i cant go in the direction i am now and achieve the goals i have in my head.
i'm putting this out in the open, not for you to feel bad for me of offer me some inspiring lecture. this is just how i feel now. not tomorrow not yesterday. right now. this very moment. it will change, as does everything. but i need to get it out. and i dont care what you think. i cant bottle up everything forever.
i finally understand what every song on 'threes' by sparta is about.
posted by nicholas b. @ 1:06 AM
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